Making space for desire, making space for the GAP

Its 5.57am, birdsong and bleary eyes here. Too much flow to sleep..thoughts, inspirations..energy.

Yesterday my love and I attended a workshop called AWAKENED INTIMACY run by a teacher trained by David Deida. The day was rich in masculine flavour...filled with focus, presence, direction, clear container and so forth. I returned home with a feeling I hadn't felt for many years...back in the university era of my life I had last felt this particular feeling when, I'd been out all night dancing wildly, cathartically, to penetrating hard house, non-stop all night...when I'd finally find my way way home..the post clubbing buzz in my ears, not being able to discern whether I was spaced out, hungry, dehydrated, just plain exhausted or a cocktail of all these.

This feeling opened into sadness as I said to mr. "Sometimes, we attend these teachings all about intimacy and arrive home too exhausted for sex." He held me and my sadness and showed me that I had prematurely assigned disappointment to this desire...that in Robert A. Heinlein's words there was "Time Enough for Love". I noticed how little space I had made to hold my desire, my need..I seemed to have fast forwarded to anticipated disappointment. True to all the "work" we had been doing this day, he took charge, with direction and tenderness, my sadness passed like clouds across the moon... revealing more...a sense of deep vulnerability....a strange pulsing spaciousness, emptiness even, my throat and throat chakra filled with new bewildering sensations...staying with this unknown feeling...with this gap...entering it..I told Vincent that I needed to be held. He scooped me up into his lap and began to talk saying, "I am here for you...I'm never going to leave... I love you...I'm here..... you can always rely on me....

within the first two sentences my body shook and thick tears fell as invisible barriers melted, barriers I had erected long ago in my childhood.walls that told me I was strong and didn't need to rely on the other (mother and father). I felt a deep opening, a healing a restoration of being...and the sense aah now I can conceive, I can let go enough to conceive, I can trust you holding me enough to open to the unknown that pregnancy and motherhood will bring. Time will tell, yet I sense this.